I see you there, drowning in invisible water. Some people are drowning in real water, you think. Water you can see. And so you sink into the endless question of how you could be so stuck with nothing holding you back. From the outside looking in, you’re cowered in the middle of some limitless expanse. Why can’t you get up? Why can’t you just walk across this wide open field? It looks like it should be so easy.
And that’s when an answer comes. I must be so broken.
Why else would you be sitting here, paralyzed, you think? Why else would your thoughts threaten to eat you alive? Why would you look so okay and be so torn apart on the inside?
I see you because I’ve been you. Look at me. You don’t have to figure anything out right now. Just sit here with me. I’ll take your hand in mine and you, me, and our bodies against the ground in this moment are enough.
The wind whispers through the strands of hair tucked behind your ear, and your eyes soften just a little. Eyes like those don’t happen overnight, I know. They’re deep pools and yes, they contain so much pain. But that’s not all. Eyes like those contain so much more than what first rises to the surface.
I know you have more worries and hurt under there. I also know you have mysteries.
They’re waiting in the murky depths, mixed in with the pain and the worry. And the joy. When you feel it, it almost knocks you over, doesn’t it?
Let’s not think about the open field someone told you that you should be crossing. Because look at you! You’re a limitless expanse all your own. You’ve been with yourself too long to see it, but I do. I see that there is more there than you can imagine right now.
Life happened to you, and you didn’t come through unscathed. You were loaded up with doubts and fears you never asked for. Maybe it’s easy to see, so obvious. Maybe you were hurt badly by the people you had no choice but to trust. I’m so sorry.
Maybe it wasn’t like that at all. Maybe it happened slowly, almost imperceptibly. Maybe you didn’t notice until you found yourself cowered in a field one day and started to wonder why. You sense answers hidden away inside. Messy ones that don’t come until you begin to ask for them, almost as if they’re just waiting for permission.
I would not do you the disservice of trying to untangle your mysteries for you. They’re yours, and you can know them best. But this is what I would tell you.
What you are is enough. Crossing some expanse doesn’t make you worthy. Being one does.
And you are.
I wish for you to finally see yourself in all your glory. I wish for you the courage to explore the mysteries inside you in all their ugliness and beauty.
You lie back in the grass as dusk falls, crickets chirping in this secret time of sleepless conversations. Your body relaxes into the earth. It’s easier to just be when we aren’t expected to be something else, isn’t it? The pain is there, I know. And it’s so real.
But God, there is so much more. Your depths leave me speechless and if you can’t believe that you’re beautiful tonight, it’s okay.
I’ll believe for you until you can.